Waiting at BLS

April 25th, 2016-- waiting at Chicago BLS to apply for a Tatkal passport. Hopefully I will get it today itself. Just noticed a small discrepancy in Comed address proof. They have mentioned city and zip code differently than my original one in their bill. Lord knows why!!! Errrr. Really really hope that won't cause an issue.

Missing Dr Torres's abnormal class to be here today. It's an interesting class. Forgot to write Jim's assessment MMPI interpretation which was due today. Had been a crazy weekend. Met I with Anandam Aunty and started some self-care. Probably why I even remembered about the assignment today morning. Plan to get it done and submit it after I reach Milwaukee today. The next 3 weeks are going to be crazy and even thinking about it makes me nervous. Optimistic about making it all work though. Let's see! Will update on how it all goes! 

Collectivo, coffee and grading

There are friends and then there are friends who genuinely want to see you keep well.

Synopsis- Got the apartment ready in Westmont today. A new place for my girl. She will probably be happy there. Rough day today, back and forth drive from Chicago and the bickering.

Grades, grading and grad school

Luke was sweet and took me to Collectivo when I got back to Milwaukee. First time there, well really haven't explored any of Milwaukee. That wasn't a priority at all. Tried the masala chai from Collectivo, meh... Didn't love it or hate it. Got a lot of grading done, grad school life eh! Later Luke's boyfriend invited me to his home with Luke. We went grocery shopping at Megamart and I cooked chicken stew and pulao for them. They pretended to love it, I do think it was too spicy for them though. My spice level of 0 is their 7-8, lol. 

It was a much needed distraction for me. They are a gay couple and I have come to accept and learn a lot more about gender identity and sexuality in the last few years. It isn't perversion or a bad choice, people are who they are and we need to learn to accept even what we don't know. We come seem to apply that theory only to superstitions, which is unfortunate. 

Luke too fussy to eat carrot and peas, going for some bread! We made him eat rice though!

By the way, being an Indian mum, there are lots of perks of having a gay couple as your friends. The biggest one being that you

can go to their house at night, cook and have dinner with them and post it in your blog without worrying about people raising eyebrows at you. Well, some might still raise eye brows, but I really do not have time for that now. Thanks Luke and Alex for being so awesome and kind. 

March 28, 2016!!!

March 28, 2016! I want this date saved because today someone very close to me (yes) said I will be a failure in life.  Said, mark the date... D will fail the graduate program.

I want to prove that I won't. No matter what, I will succeed and now with such a challenge, I feel more motivated. Unless God has other plans which makes it physically impossible for me to do this, nothing will stop me! 

Then and now at 12.34 am on 3/27/2016

There was a time almost 10-12 years ago when I thought that I could never be more hurt than I was then. Every time something went wrong, I made sure I told myself that things will be better and my wishes will come true and when they didn't I told myself that God had better plans for me. That's what happened, God had better plans or so I thought. Life really took a turn for better. But I'm questioning everything these days. All I want is 5 minutes of peace now, just 5 minutes when I feel nothing. People say it's all within you, may be it is, but the truth is, I do not feel anything good within me at this moment. I'm hurt and everyone around me is hurt. There is a lot of competition. Everyone makes decisions for me except me and I feel like I have lost control. Between everyone who is trying to help me and hurt me, all I feel is meek and weak. What I want, I do not have and what I do not want, I do not know what it is. This vulnerability gives me a feeling of Dejavu, I have experienced this before and was hoping I would never feel it again, but life happens you know. May be its all for good right?May be some day everyone and I will be so proud and ecstatic about my happiness!!! Are these difficult times meant to make my biography more interesting? May be... Who will play me in the movie? Let me think.  

Ninte Matrom Moideen!

When I was asked to join them for the movie "Ninte Matrom Moideen" today, I was very reluctant at first. I knew the story line and that it was a true story. I wasn't sure if I was ready for romantic tragedy with a dead hero and a shattered heroine. Moreover, I had kind of convinced myself that the unrealistic portrayal of unconditional and selfless love and romance is only a tale of movies. But it all changed today. I had started to convince myself that living with strong emotions is synonyms to living in a fools paradise. (I stopped writing this post here somewhere in November r whenever the movie was released)

(Starting again on 3/25/2016). But I loved the movie, made me believe in love once again. It was breath of fresh air to think that these kind of love which makes one do crazy, unrealistic things still exist. I do disagree with a lot of things though. I think they could have married. I think Moideen was more interested in his political life and what not than Kanjanamala, whose love is another form of madness. In fact, love is a form of madness. I am wondering when it would made it into the Diagnostic Manual of Mental disorders. Bereavement is already in there. Coming back to the topic, 25 years is too long, no matter what. I am sure there could have been one day in those 25 years, after all of Kanjanamala's sisters got married when he could have just taken her away and loved her the way she deserved to be loved. I feel for Kanjanamala, Moideen left her incapacitated, unable to love anyone else. I am sure she would meet all the criteria for a mental disorder. Her behavior is nothing, but abnormal, loving and living for a man who was full of excuses (the psychology student in me speaking). At the same time, what is love if not a disorder that fails all treatments (the romantic in me speaking).
One question remains, Would we ever want our daughter to be a Kanjanamala? I don't know about me, may be anyone would read this ( probably noone), have an answer better than mine.

Hope

There is hope!

Where is it? I do not know.

I look around here, 

I look around there, everywhere.

Under the rugs I peak,

In the heavens I seek

Where is it? I do not know.

There is hope, I do know! 

Funny life

As always life is funny- never lets you have anything without losing something else! Well, at least in my case. 

All I see is grey

Isn't life a funny thing? Just when you think you have achieved something great, you will learn that you might lose something greater. 

Christmas 2015

Red and green brighten the path

Bows and wreaths all around

Christmas trees, cakes, candles and lights, I see

Yet, all I grasp is the black!

Last day of the first semester!

I have 15 more minutes before I walk into the room with the long table in the clinic. I will give my last exam for the first semester today, in 15 minutes. The paper is assessment. I would have to write write report for three measures used to assess children  for IQ, anxiety/depression and learning disorders. I am prepared. But I do not know how I will do. Its not the nervousness of the exam. It is just how life is at present. Last day of classes and a month break. All would have to do the next couple of days would be to proctor an exam and grade some exams. There are weeks to de-stress for the last 4 months after that. Yet, I am the least cheerful in the room. Is it a co-incidence or this is how supposed to be? Nevertheless, pretty proud of myself for getting here. The waters were pretty rough, but I swam for my life.