March 28, 2016!!!

March 28, 2016! I want this date saved because today someone very close to me (yes) said I will be a failure in life.  Said, mark the date... D will fail the graduate program.

I want to prove that I won't. No matter what, I will succeed and now with such a challenge, I feel more motivated. Unless God has other plans which makes it physically impossible for me to do this, nothing will stop me! 

Then and now at 12.34 am on 3/27/2016

There was a time almost 10-12 years ago when I thought that I could never be more hurt than I was then. Every time something went wrong, I made sure I told myself that things will be better and my wishes will come true and when they didn't I told myself that God had better plans for me. That's what happened, God had better plans or so I thought. Life really took a turn for better. But I'm questioning everything these days. All I want is 5 minutes of peace now, just 5 minutes when I feel nothing. People say it's all within you, may be it is, but the truth is, I do not feel anything good within me at this moment. I'm hurt and everyone around me is hurt. There is a lot of competition. Everyone makes decisions for me except me and I feel like I have lost control. Between everyone who is trying to help me and hurt me, all I feel is meek and weak. What I want, I do not have and what I do not want, I do not know what it is. This vulnerability gives me a feeling of Dejavu, I have experienced this before and was hoping I would never feel it again, but life happens you know. May be its all for good right?May be some day everyone and I will be so proud and ecstatic about my happiness!!! Are these difficult times meant to make my biography more interesting? May be... Who will play me in the movie? Let me think.  

Ninte Matrom Moideen!

When I was asked to join them for the movie "Ninte Matrom Moideen" today, I was very reluctant at first. I knew the story line and that it was a true story. I wasn't sure if I was ready for romantic tragedy with a dead hero and a shattered heroine. Moreover, I had kind of convinced myself that the unrealistic portrayal of unconditional and selfless love and romance is only a tale of movies. But it all changed today. I had started to convince myself that living with strong emotions is synonyms to living in a fools paradise. (I stopped writing this post here somewhere in November r whenever the movie was released)

(Starting again on 3/25/2016). But I loved the movie, made me believe in love once again. It was breath of fresh air to think that these kind of love which makes one do crazy, unrealistic things still exist. I do disagree with a lot of things though. I think they could have married. I think Moideen was more interested in his political life and what not than Kanjanamala, whose love is another form of madness. In fact, love is a form of madness. I am wondering when it would made it into the Diagnostic Manual of Mental disorders. Bereavement is already in there. Coming back to the topic, 25 years is too long, no matter what. I am sure there could have been one day in those 25 years, after all of Kanjanamala's sisters got married when he could have just taken her away and loved her the way she deserved to be loved. I feel for Kanjanamala, Moideen left her incapacitated, unable to love anyone else. I am sure she would meet all the criteria for a mental disorder. Her behavior is nothing, but abnormal, loving and living for a man who was full of excuses (the psychology student in me speaking). At the same time, what is love if not a disorder that fails all treatments (the romantic in me speaking).
One question remains, Would we ever want our daughter to be a Kanjanamala? I don't know about me, may be anyone would read this ( probably noone), have an answer better than mine.

Hope

There is hope!

Where is it? I do not know.

I look around here, 

I look around there, everywhere.

Under the rugs I peak,

In the heavens I seek

Where is it? I do not know.

There is hope, I do know! 

Funny life

As always life is funny- never lets you have anything without losing something else! Well, at least in my case. 

All I see is grey

Isn't life a funny thing? Just when you think you have achieved something great, you will learn that you might lose something greater. 

Christmas 2015

Red and green brighten the path

Bows and wreaths all around

Christmas trees, cakes, candles and lights, I see

Yet, all I grasp is the black!

Last day of the first semester!

I have 15 more minutes before I walk into the room with the long table in the clinic. I will give my last exam for the first semester today, in 15 minutes. The paper is assessment. I would have to write write report for three measures used to assess children  for IQ, anxiety/depression and learning disorders. I am prepared. But I do not know how I will do. Its not the nervousness of the exam. It is just how life is at present. Last day of classes and a month break. All would have to do the next couple of days would be to proctor an exam and grade some exams. There are weeks to de-stress for the last 4 months after that. Yet, I am the least cheerful in the room. Is it a co-incidence or this is how supposed to be? Nevertheless, pretty proud of myself for getting here. The waters were pretty rough, but I swam for my life.

Caffreys after a long day!

I had a very hectic day. Today is Nov 2nd,  Monday... Drove back in real bad traffic, terrified I was late for the test at 2pm. Got here at 1.50pm and ran to the department hoping I will have time to get the print out for the open book test and grab a quick bite before I get to the test. I ran around frantically, printing out and hearing my food. Finally when I got to class, no one was there. After a couple of minutes, I was almost sure that the test was in another room and as usual I missed that part of the conversation with the professor. So runs out of the class to he graduate office to see where everyone is... On the way, stopping to look at the clinic clock... Oh yeah... It says 12.59... WHAT???? Yes, the time changed today and I was aware of it although I had forgotten that my car clock had the old time... So??? Unnecessary anxiety was the only result..! I had an hour more before the test which I spent doing random things including a quick meeting with Tony... Test seemed alright. Later, I had a lot to read which I did, went over the assessment stuff and finally went to Walgreens for a quick shopping before I picked stuff from my car parked in the garage. Had left some clothes in there when I thought there was no time to drop them in my room before the test... So now I'm at Caffreys... Ending a very stressful 14 hour day... I needed a drink. Caffreys doesn't have Margarita today... What? Really? Well, the $3.00 Long Island is no close second... But I can deal with it today. I just needed something to relax and I think I'm relaxed now. All part of self care as suggested by Angela. Not going to study anything more today!!! Stats and assessment class tomorrow. Going to be a loong day. Am I prepared? May be yes.... May be No..! But I'm here and as stressful as it is, someday I will be proud of me and Vygu will be proud of me... Or so I hope! And all this will be worth it! Good night me... Be proud! You work soo hard...! 

What should one do?

How much shall one edure, 

before pain becomes a way of life? 

What does one need, if pain is the 

sole drill to sustain? 

How shall one survive, if 

hurt nourishes the vitals? 

What should one do, if there is 

no alley towards that hope? 

When will one know, if the trail

isn't the one they desired?