Funny life

As always life is funny- never lets you have anything without losing something else! Well, at least in my case. 

All I see is grey

Isn't life a funny thing? Just when you think you have achieved something great, you will learn that you might lose something greater. 

Christmas 2015

Red and green brighten the path

Bows and wreaths all around

Christmas trees, cakes, candles and lights, I see

Yet, all I grasp is the black!

Last day of the first semester!

I have 15 more minutes before I walk into the room with the long table in the clinic. I will give my last exam for the first semester today, in 15 minutes. The paper is assessment. I would have to write write report for three measures used to assess children  for IQ, anxiety/depression and learning disorders. I am prepared. But I do not know how I will do. Its not the nervousness of the exam. It is just how life is at present. Last day of classes and a month break. All would have to do the next couple of days would be to proctor an exam and grade some exams. There are weeks to de-stress for the last 4 months after that. Yet, I am the least cheerful in the room. Is it a co-incidence or this is how supposed to be? Nevertheless, pretty proud of myself for getting here. The waters were pretty rough, but I swam for my life.

Caffreys after a long day!

I had a very hectic day. Today is Nov 2nd,  Monday... Drove back in real bad traffic, terrified I was late for the test at 2pm. Got here at 1.50pm and ran to the department hoping I will have time to get the print out for the open book test and grab a quick bite before I get to the test. I ran around frantically, printing out and hearing my food. Finally when I got to class, no one was there. After a couple of minutes, I was almost sure that the test was in another room and as usual I missed that part of the conversation with the professor. So runs out of the class to he graduate office to see where everyone is... On the way, stopping to look at the clinic clock... Oh yeah... It says 12.59... WHAT???? Yes, the time changed today and I was aware of it although I had forgotten that my car clock had the old time... So??? Unnecessary anxiety was the only result..! I had an hour more before the test which I spent doing random things including a quick meeting with Tony... Test seemed alright. Later, I had a lot to read which I did, went over the assessment stuff and finally went to Walgreens for a quick shopping before I picked stuff from my car parked in the garage. Had left some clothes in there when I thought there was no time to drop them in my room before the test... So now I'm at Caffreys... Ending a very stressful 14 hour day... I needed a drink. Caffreys doesn't have Margarita today... What? Really? Well, the $3.00 Long Island is no close second... But I can deal with it today. I just needed something to relax and I think I'm relaxed now. All part of self care as suggested by Angela. Not going to study anything more today!!! Stats and assessment class tomorrow. Going to be a loong day. Am I prepared? May be yes.... May be No..! But I'm here and as stressful as it is, someday I will be proud of me and Vygu will be proud of me... Or so I hope! And all this will be worth it! Good night me... Be proud! You work soo hard...! 

What should one do?

How much shall one edure, 

before pain becomes a way of life? 

What does one need, if pain is the 

sole drill to sustain? 

How shall one survive, if 

hurt nourishes the vitals? 

What should one do, if there is 

no alley towards that hope? 

When will one know, if the trail

isn't the one they desired?

I am the bee!

I am the bee, I am the bee.
I have to be at my métier.
If you get to me, come close to me,...
I have to be, oh just a bee.
I have to sting, You, my invader,
you feel the prick, I die in pain.

Lost at the station

The last time I knew I was sleeping tight, but then woke up from this dream which although wasn't a nightmare, still got my heart beat up. To speak in scientific reasoning ( for no reason and just to show off), I knew my heart rate variability was going down, which is technically a sign of stress. After a few minutes of resisting having to wake up, I open my eyes just to see that it is still a long time to sunrise. It is dark outside and the time is 4.30am. I could go back to sleep, read some of the chapters I have to finish, send some emails long pending, well, do so many things. Instead I decide to jot down my dream into my blog. Hmmm! I wonder why though. Well, works anyway. My blog needs some updating. 

Tuk tuk tuk tuk, tuk tuk tuk tuk

I stay composed as my fretful heart pounds

The little one shouldn't see,

The little one shouldn't know

The antsy perturbed me

Where are they? Where are all?

Trains to the left, trains to the right

I hold her little hand tight.

Tuk tuk tuk tuk, tuk tuk tuk tuk

I stay composed as my fretful heart pounds

Get into the train to see places unseen

Says the train conductor,

I want to go home I mumble

The next train will take me home, he promises

But where are they, where are all?

Tuk tuk tuk tuk, tuk tuk tuk tuk

I stay composed as my fretful heart pounds,

There they are, the oldest one in white I see,

Traipse towards me, her hands held 

Taut to the one beside her

They will get to me soon and 

The trains will take me home. 

Tuk tik tuk tik tuk tik tuk tik. 

This and that!

There is always a lot to write. So many short stories, yet to be put down, several daily dairies, some random tics, the list is long. I just am not sure if I can handle all the emotions that comes with it. So leaving it all for some time later which probably (and hopefully not) mean NEVER. 

Anyway, yesterday, 8/24/2015, August 24th 2015 was my first official day at Marquette and it went smoothly. Surprisingly sleeping alone in a room didn't give me nightmares and after I cleaned my bed and before I went to bed, I watched the movie, Manglish. Writing this down so that I don't forget my first day of grad school. 

Good luck to me... As nervous as I am, I hope I survive this unharmed. 

At Marquette

I thought I would wake up,

from a deep long sleep 

and it will all be gone, 

like a sweet night dream.

It is tangible to my senses now

It's here and it's near.

Is this a new beginning,

or beginning of an end,

or any other day?

I'm yet to know, 

I just know, It's real, it's  real!